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I wasn’t looking for a Dom anymore–I had given up on that–but the way he treated me suggested that he knew. And all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory When I realize just how beautiful you are, and how great your affections are for me Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss, and my heart turns violently inside of my chest. The surface strips itself away, and I find, that while I am done feeling like I am dirty, bad, wrong, merely for being human…I crave someone who will take the reigns. Have authority in my life and tell me that, not only is it okay to be a dirty little slut, but it’s what he wants. I will be a dirty girl for you–and you will see what you have created, and say that it is good.

He liked to make the decisions, but always keeping me in mind. I don’t know how to maintain these regrets when I think about the way that he loves us”-Kim Walker, How He Loves Us “The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear And I don’t know the reason why You brought me here But just because You love me the way that You do I’m gonna walk through the fire if You want me to” -Ginny Owens, If You Want Me To “Like waking up from the longest dream How real it seemed Until Your love broke through And I was lost in a fantasy That blinded me Until Your love broke through” Rebecca St James, Your Love Broke Through “To love you – take my world apart To need you – I am on my knees To love you – take my world apart To need you – broken on my knees” Jars of Clay, Worlds Apart These are all lines from popular Christian songs. Christianity–my brand at least–was all about God as the ultimate Lover.

I love: video games, fashion, movies, cute stuff, playing, makeup and beauty, cuddles, and making my Daddy happy.

I wanted him to be him–I thought he was perfect the way he was, and didn’t want to pressure him or make him feel like he had to change in any way. But I’d told him I wanted to fuck him as soon as humanly possible, so he didn’t want to make me wait until the weekend when he was all moved in and didn’t have work stuff going on. And then I desperately wished he hadn’t been so awful to me so I could go back to him. I haven’t asked him what he’s been doing–it’s none of my business, and frankly, I don’t really want to know–so I was surprised that he talked to me about it. It shows a lot more respect than to act as though because he is the dominant one, the way I feel doesn’t matter.

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It took me awhile to ask Gentleman Friend if he would be my Daddy. But there is a fantasy, a need, in the dark corners of my mind. If you make me fight myself, it will only be so that I can become myself. Dauntless and unafraid, yet unable to take even a harsh look from your eye, a harsh word from your mouth. And like peanut butter and chocolate, he is far too smooth. Someone who is working class, who wants to teach me to shoot hoops, who does not expect me to ever do a threesome again due to my all-encompassing panic at being displaced.